Self-Love and Compassion Aren’t Always Soft — And That’s Okay

There’s a lot of talk out there about self-love and self-compassion. You’ve probably seen the quotes, the affirmations, the reminders to “be kind to yourself.” And maybe part of you wants to lean into that. But maybe another part of you hears those words and feels… nothing. Or even a little bit of resistance.

If that’s you—you’re not alone.

For many of us, self-love doesn’t come naturally—not because there’s something wrong with us, but because we were never taught how to offer it to ourselves. Maybe it wasn’t modeled in our upbringing. Maybe our softness was seen as weakness, or we were praised only when we pushed through pain without complaint. Maybe the only form of motivation we knew came through shame or criticism.

So when someone tells us to “just be gentle,” it might feel inauthentic—or even a little cringy.

The Truth About Self-Compassion

Self-compassion doesn’t always mean speaking to yourself in a whispery, nurturing voice (though it can). It doesn’t always mean bubble baths or journaling with a candle lit next to you (though it can mean that, too).

Sometimes self-compassion is a voice that sounds more like a coach—firm but kind.

Sometimes it’s a quiet “I know this is hard, but you’re doing your best.”
Other times, it’s a fiercer “Hey, you’ve got this. Keep going.”

Self-love isn’t one-size-fits-all. It doesn’t have to fit into a specific tone or aesthetic. What matters is that the voice or action comes from a place of care, not fear.

Because here’s the thing: being mean to ourselves? That’s a fear-based response. It’s protection. A nervous system trying to prevent us from messing up, being judged, or getting hurt again.

But here’s what I’ve seen again and again—in myself and in my clients: It takes far more courage to show up with kindness than it does to be harsh.

It’s brave to soften. To pause. To ask, “What do I really need right now?”

What If Compassion Feels Foreign?

For some of us, compassion feels unfamiliar simply because we’ve never experienced it in a way that felt safe. It makes sense, then, that offering it to ourselves would feel awkward—or even bring up resistance.

In somatic work, we talk a lot about how the nervous system doesn’t just respond to what’s happening now—it also reacts to what’s been. If you were taught that being self-critical was how you got results (or avoided rejection), shifting to kindness can actually feel threatening at first.

That’s not a sign that you’re doing it wrong. It’s a sign that your system is adjusting. Sometimes, what’s needed is to approach self-compassion in a way that works with your body—not against it.

This is why I always say: your version of self-love might look different than mine. And that’s okay.

Meet Yourself Where You Are (and Then Take a Step Further)

There’s a sweet spot when it comes to practicing self-compassion—especially if it’s new or unfamiliar. The invitation isn’t to swing from self-criticism to syrupy kindness overnight. That can feel fake, or even unsafe.

Instead, try meeting yourself right where you are—with honesty, presence, and curiosity. And from there, offer yourself just a little bit more compassion than feels comfortable. The version that has just the right balance of authenticity and stretch. That might mean softening your inner voice just a little. Or experimenting with a tone that feels strong and encouraging, but also warm.

You’re not trying to leap into something that doesn’t feel true. You’re simply inviting your system to gently expand its capacity for care.

That’s the practice.

Finding What Works for You

If a soft, nurturing voice feels comforting to you—beautiful. Use it.

If what you need is the voice of a supportive coach, someone who reminds you of your strength and encourages you to keep going—that counts too.

If self-love right now looks like turning off your phone, getting some rest, or saying “no” to something that drains you… that’s love.

If it looks like showing up to your yoga mat even when it’s hard, or choosing to do one small thing that honors your body—yep, that’s love too.

The key is to notice what lands in your body. What actually helps you feel supported? Safe? Encouraged? Connected?

Start there. Let it evolve.

This Work Is a Practice

Whether it’s through somatic movement, yoga, breathwork, or quiet moments of reflection, this work is about tending to your relationship with yourself—one small act at a time.

Some days, it might feel natural to offer yourself kindness. Other days, it might feel clunky or unfamiliar. That’s okay. What matters is that you keep showing up, not because you’re trying to “get it right,” but because you're building trust with yourself.

Self-love doesn’t have to look the same every day. It might be soft and slow one moment, and clear and directive the next. There’s room for all of it. What matters is that it feels honest. That it feels like you.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to force yourself into someone else’s version of self-compassion. There’s space for you to find your own language, your own pace, your own way of loving yourself.

Start where you are. Be curious. Be honest. And above all—be kind in the way you need.

-Franchesca

PS: If you’re looking for support in reconnecting with your body, building emotional safety, and exploring what authentic self-compassion feels like for you, I offer 1:1 somatic coaching and yoga sessions. You can book a free consultation to see if it’s a good fit.

Thumbnail photo cred: Jade via Unsplash