Your Inner Critic Isn’t the Enemy—It’s Your Nervous System Trying to Keep You Safe
We all have that voice inside.
The one that says:
“You should’ve done more.”
“That wasn’t good enough.”
“Why can’t you just get it right?”
The inner critic can show up in a million different ways.
Sometimes it’s loud and relentless. Other times, it’s quieter—woven into the background of your thoughts, subtly shaping how you view yourself, how you relate to others, and even how safe you feel being seen.
It’s easy to demonize this voice, to see it as the enemy—and then to come down on ourselves even harder when it creeps in. But what if we changed the way we look at our inner critic? What if it’s not the enemy at all, but actually trying to protect us?
The Nervous System Side of the Inner Critic
Most people think of the inner critic as a mindset issue—something you should be able to fix by “thinking more positively.”
But here’s the thing: when that critical voice is on overdrive, it’s not just about your thoughts. It’s about your body.
From a nervous system perspective, the inner critic often acts as a protective strategy.
If you grew up in an environment where love, approval, or safety felt conditional—or where mistakes were met with blame or shame—your body may have learned that being hard on yourself was the safest way to stay out of trouble.
Over time, that internal pressure can become automatic because your nervous system wired itself for protection.
In moments where you feel at risk of failure, rejection, or emotional pain—even if that risk is imagined—your system might shift into a stress response (fight, flight, or freeze). From this state, self-criticism can feel like a form of control.
If you’re hard on yourself first, maybe it’ll hurt less if someone else is.
Maybe it’ll help you avoid the mistake altogether.
It makes sense. And it’s also exhausting.
Why the Way the Inner Critic Speaks Matters
Understanding that your inner critic is trying to protect you can be a powerful shift. It softens the judgment and helps you see this part of you with more nuance. But just because it’s trying to help doesn’t mean it’s helping in the most supportive way.
Many times, the inner critic speaks in a tone that’s harsh, rigid, or even cruel—not because you’re mean to yourself on purpose, but because that was the tone modeled or internalized as “necessary” for growth, success, or safety.
And while this part of you may be trying to keep you safe, motivated, or in control, that doesn’t mean you want to keep letting it speak to you in the same unforgiving way.
This is where compassion comes in—not to silence or exile the inner critic, but to begin transforming how it communicates.
When we bring in compassion, we’re not trying to pretend the fear or urgency isn’t there. We’re just learning to hold it differently. To listen underneath the sharpness. To offer support instead of shame.
And that shift—toward more compassionate internal dialogue—isn’t just a mindset shift. It’s a felt experience. One your body has to trust, little by little.
But here’s the thing—if compassion hasn’t felt safe before, or if that inner voice is still wrapped in fear and urgency, kindness might not land the way you hope it will.
When Compassion Doesn’t Feel Accessible
Maybe you’ve heard the advice: Just be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion.
And maybe part of you wants to do that.
But another part might freeze up—or feel like kindness just doesn’t land. Like the words bounce right off.
This is because self-compassion requires a felt sense of safety, or at least “safe enough”. And if your body is still bracing for criticism, failure, or rejection, “being kind to yourself” might actually feel threatening.
This is something I see often in somatic work: the nervous system isn’t just responding to what’s happening now—it’s responding to everything it’s learned about what is or isn’t safe.
And for many of us, self-kindness wasn’t modeled. It wasn’t safe. So, of course it feels foreign at first.
Soothing the Inner Critic Through the Body
This is where mind-body practices come in.
Rather than trying to change your thoughts from the top down, somatic work invites you to create enough regulation and safety in your body so you can relate to those thoughts differently.
Here are a few ways to begin:
Breath that grounds
Gentle, steady breathing into your belly sends a powerful signal to your nervous system: It’s okay to settle.
You don’t need to force anything—just noticing your breath and softening its rhythm can begin to shift your internal state.
One simple place to start: let your exhales be slightly longer than your inhales. Inhaling slightly increases your heart rate, while exhaling helps it slow down. This natural rhythm supports improved vagal tone through increased heart rate variability—a key indicator linked to “better cognitive performance, enhanced emotional regulation, improved health outcomes, and better social functioning”. (Schwartz, 2024)
Compassionate touch
Placing a hand on your heart, belly, or cheek while offering a kind phrase—even if it feels awkward—can begin to repattern how you experience support.
Connection is a biological imperative. And while this kind of touch might feel unfamiliar at first, it can offer a quiet sense of nurturing—tending to the parts of you that may not have received the care or comfort they needed in the past.
Movement with intention
Simple movements like swaying or gently rocking side to side—with your arms crossed over your chest and hands lightly tapping your shoulders—can offer a sense of rhythm and containment. When paired with grounding phrases like “I’m here” or “I’m doing my best,” these movements help bring together physical and emotional safety, creating a felt sense of presence and support.
Your inner tone
The way you speak to yourself matters. Sometimes the most powerful shift is experimenting with a new tone: one that’s less harsh, more steady. Not sugarcoated—just honest and warm.
Because many of these practices might feel unfamiliar at first, it’s important to go at a pace that feels safe enough for you. These aren’t quick fixes—they’re gentle invitations.
Ways of slowly building trust with the part of you that learned to stay safe by bracing, pressuring, or self-critiquing.
With time and consistency, these small moments of care can begin to shift the way you relate to yourself from the inside out.
What Starts to Change When You Bring Compassion to the Critic
When you begin to meet that inner critical voice with gentleness and attunement—rather than fear, resistance, or frustration—you create space for something new to emerge.
You might start to notice when it shows up and, instead of reacting, you pause.
You might begin to ask: What is this part of me trying to protect? What does it need to feel safe enough to soften? What would it feel like to respond with support instead of shame?
This is how you begin shifting from automatic self-judgment into intentional self-connection—not by silencing the critic, but by listening underneath it.
This Isn’t About Becoming “Perfectly Positive”
Let’s be real—some days, self-compassion feels possible.
Other days, it feels completely out of reach.
That’s okay.
This isn’t about flipping a switch or forcing yourself to speak in flowery affirmations that don’t land.
It’s about meeting yourself where you are and offering something just a little more supportive than what the critic usually gives.
Maybe that means saying:
“I messed up—and I’m still worthy of care.”
Or, “This is hard—and I don’t have to do it alone.”
Or even just taking a breath and placing a hand on your chest when the spiral starts.
It doesn’t have to be big or dramatic.
It just has to be real.
What Healing Looks Like in Practice
In somatic work, we look at these internal patterns not just through the lens of thought, but through sensation, safety, and connection. Because when your body begins to feel safe, your inner landscape can change.
This might look like:
— Pausing to notice the felt sense of criticism in your body
— Moving gently to shift energy rather than getting stuck in “analysis paralysis”
— Practicing grounding or breathwork to create more space between stimulus and reaction
— Inviting in a different tone—one that feels supportive, not performative
You’re not trying to eliminate a part of yourself.
You’re learning to work with it differently.
The voice in your head might not change overnight. That’s okay.
But every time you meet yourself with honesty and care—even in small, clumsy ways—you’re building a new kind of trust. A new kind of safety. A new way of being with yourself.
You don’t have to fight the critic.
You don’t have to bully yourself into being better.
You don’t have to earn your own kindness.
You just have to feel safe enough to be who you are.
And you can choose to lead with something stronger: compassion that’s grounded, embodied, and real.
-Franchesca
PS – If you’re looking for support in shifting these patterns on a deeper level, this is the heart of the work I do with my clients. Together, we gently bring mind and body back into connection—so that change isn’t just possible, it’s sustainable. If you're curious what that might look like for you, you’re welcome to book a complimentary consultation call to explore whether working together feels like the right fit.
Thumbnail photo cred: Nick Fewings via Unsplash